Masochism
by Bri and Aly Inc
Summary: [Contains new moon spoilers. SEQUEL to “The Rings of Saturn.” Reads as a STAND ALONE] Edward has changed Bella but now both of them have to live with the consequences. And neither are prepared for what’s going to happen next…[Chapter 6 REDONE][COMPLETE]
1. Your Eyes

**Masochism **

_By Aly _

_Disclaimer: No, Twilight and New Moon are not mine. _

_Note: this is "The Rings of Saturn" 's sequel but it reads as a "Stand Alone" between this and "rings" barley any time has occurred and very little reference is displayed. That; and the fact that until chapter six or so, 'rings' is awful. _

**Chapter 1 – Your Eyes**

I felt a tingling, numbing sensation captivating my skin. The feeling was intensified as if the air was heavy upon me. For some reason I wasn't convulsing and shirking away from a pain so physically intense I couldn't fight it; so draining I could barely cry out. But it was over now; and I felt empty; drained. Not exhausted but rather weary; as if my brain was still foggy on the uptake.

My lungs expanded and relinquished; surrendering the breath that had brought me peace. Filling me and leaving me wishing for more. Edwards' intoxicating scent was so powerful now. Even though my lids felt light as they fluttered open, I imagined that they were heavy, human. The world looked so strange, the detail not anything I could understand yet; it was an entirely different world.

My gaze rested upon what must be the most amazing figure in this room; Edward. I knew for some reason that we were alone. I suppose it was the rush of sweet and alien fragrances that alerted me to that fact.

My angel, so beautiful and pale, as pale as I might be, looked pensive. I knew him well enough to know something was troubling him. His hazy gold eyes flicked to meet mine. It was almost disbelief as he stood up. I was startled by his expression, relief and almost rejection. It scared me and I found the strength to sit up, a rapid movement that widened his eyes. I couldn't take the intensity of his stare so I broke the gaze and memorized the demeanor of the room; it was Edward's room, the walls stacked with music. It looked exactly the same as before except I noticed a faint stain on the carpet and the mattress-like contraption I was sitting on was new; the couch moved towards the east wall to accommodate the mattress.

I reached up to caress his face to see if it was real. He looked horrified, his look somewhere between loathing and dejection. It created an open wound where I assumed my heart might have been. "Are-" I started to speak, but my voice was heavy and low, seductive almost. It was my same voice but it was smoother and more melodic. "Are you ok?" I asked, concerned and frightened; though his presence soothed my raging rebellious mind.

He didn't answer for a long time; though I knew by the twitch of his mouth that he had heard. It seemed a long time before I heard his voice, not the confident low tone I knew, but the harder tones of his grief. The broken voice. "Your eyes!" He began; starting his rant with a passion. His eyes darkened immediately to jet black. For a moment I thought I saw a swirling presence of sea green in the depths, but it disappeared as suddenly as it appeared. "How could have I?" He demanded.

"You were so beautiful. So jovial and happy, full of life, how could I take, steal, that from you!" His voice was as desperate as a war victims' cling to sanity.

"Please don't say that!" I whispered; my voice light.

He stood up to his full height, facing away from me for a moment. "I can't justify it. Nothing can justify this betrayal to you! I could have hurt you; you could have been imperfect, what if something went wrong! You shouldn't have let me!" He raged, turning to me, finally. His eyes beyond angry to haunted. I questioned how my presence in his life could compel him to say these awful things that made my brain bounce and my eyes close against tears that would never come; wanting to stop the flood before it hit. I still couldn't quite comprehend what I'd lost and gained, I didn't feel human, but my responses were still based off the human instincts that hadn't quite dispatched from me, being so new and young. Living not as a flower but as a rock; like all the myths that described the way beauty was overrated, yet everybody in those legends seems to be incredibly beautiful or incredibly ugly.

"I had to send my family to a funeral for you Bella," He said, his mood rapidly declining to a depressed state. "I had to send them to wish you well in your death, knowing that you could have gone to heaven. But you chose Hell! You wanted Hell!"

I was too traumatized to argue; I knew he wouldn't be all rainbows and roses when I woke up. But it wasn't only his decision. "You chose it and you didn't fight it. You never screamed! I had to listen to your heart flutter and die. I had to hear, feel and watch you die when I had the power to save you so many times!"

"I could have walked out of your life at the start. I could have never spoken to you! I could have kept you human; we could have run away were nobody could have found us! I could have sucked the venom from you within minutes of it. But I wasn't strong enough. Not strong enough for you." His last line was muttered but my fresh hearing caught every word.

"You actually believe that? I love you I wanted this! I chose my path and you can't go back and take another one! All I wanted was you! All I'll ever want is you." My words were dark and he stared into my face. "I love you. Isn't that enough for me to have that; have you! Do you not love me?"

My tone was argumentative but his answer was resolute. "I love you."

"Can you make me believe it?" I asked; simply, expecting him to ignore the question or answer with a noncommittal word. His mood was still shaded if not haunted; but I believe he was trying to put a show for me; to resume his self-loathing elsewhere where he believed I wouldn't interrupt. I knew Edward was over-analytical but I'm not sure I understood how much until this moment.

His face dropped to mine, his eyes searching but still disturbed at the image I presented to him. I didn't know how different I looked; but the basics would be pale skin, a glimmering beauty, and non-human eyes that at the moment were sensitive to even the mid-lit room.

All other thoughts about my situation were forgotten as Edward's lips met mine with a sudden fervor of passion. He seemed hesitant for a moment, almost as if he was torn between the boundaries we once had and what he wanted. My lips moved urgently against his and I may have tempted him to give in for once.

His strong arms twisted around me, knotting in my hair and crushing me to him. My own arms formed a near unbreakable hold as my eyes closed. Simply enjoying the moment; I knew that I wasn't breathing and couldn't help but briefly notice that this kiss would have killed me once, before I stopped thinking about anything other than the feel of his mouth on mine. Edward's tongue ran along my lip and my lips parted as I shivered, clutching him as one of his hands ran down my back, almost piercing my skin. His tongue swept my mouth running over my teeth-

He pulled back; eyes wide in the grief I had sought to smother. Another reminder that I wasn't exactly his Bella, wasn't human as he had come to love me. It tore me to sheds as I fought to reason that he would get over it. Every movement that he would still loved me. My state was proof; wasn't it? He loved me though my overlarge canines scared him at first. It wasn't a sign of rejection that he found me disgusting. I fought down my last thoughts and tried to convince myself that it was alright. That this hell wasn't going to rot with me in it. That he'd have me; because I had now was him. I gave it all up for him; and the rest to him. There would be nothing left if he wasn't close; if his comfort didn't reach out to me. If he cut me away. If he couldn't love me anymore.

_Review! You know you want to!_


	2. Therapy

**Masochism **

_By Aly _

_Disclaimer: Never have; never will. _

_Note: This is an EDWARD-&-BELLA fic; and I will not repeat what we hated about New Moon._

**Chapter 1 – Therapy **

The day had been long; Edward had torn rapidly away from my kiss. I was rejected; it felt awful. Like a raging boiling sea a monster in me was hurt and angry. I wasn't mad at Edward; how could I ever be? I think I was inclined to be mad at myself. Now I could empathize when Edward raged at himself; believing that he would never be enough for me. In taking my blood; he had enfolded me into the masochism that came with our roles. The sadistic loathing that he had to overcome; that I had to overcome. But even now; I wasn't discouraged; I wouldn't dwell on this conflict. I could not hate myself for long enough to cloud my empathy. I felt strongly what I believed Edward felt; so I could only love him more for trying not to worry me with his burden.

But, naturally, I wanted to help shoulder it too.

There was no distraction to end my brooding silence; within the enigma of this house; was Edward, and though I wished he was here with me I found myself deciding that maybe I should just let him cool off for a while before I sought him out. I knew Emmett and Rosalie were downstairs; but they weren't exactly who I wanted to speak to right now. Carlisle was out and Esme was in the kitchen, doing paperwork. I considered talking to her but Alice chose that moment to walk into Edward's room.

"I'm sorry," She said; her voice fluid and rushed; though my newly sensitive ears caught every word.

"You have nothing to apologize for; unless, of course, you totaled my car." I attempted a jest; trying to lighten the incapacitating mood.

She shifted her eyes; letting me know that my jest amused her before explaining her first reaction. "I meant for what Edward did; last night."

"You saw that?" I asked; a little shocked that she had seen that. I don't know if I was more disturbed that she had seen the kiss and what else she might see if things got more intimate, or the fact she saw his rejection of me.

"Part of it -remember the future changes as each decision is made. Sometimes I can shut-out the decisions that are trite. Pushing you away was a decision that could change so many things in the future of my brother and sister." She sat down on the couch and I joined her there. Looking very deep into my eyes; as if she were, like Edward, trying to read my mind, she continued. "I only saw him push you away."

I grinned sardonically; baring my teeth as my unspoken explanation for the break in our kiss. For half a second she looked shocked at my appearance; but she quickly recovered. "That could give him a shock," she admitted.

It gave me a reasonable understanding; maybe it wasn't so much rejection as shock. "Alice; do I look that different?"

She raised her eyebrows; then proceeded to grab my hand and lead me to her room. I stumbled once on the way, proving that even this state could not completely cure my klutz gene; just suppress it.

She faced me to a full length mirror. The difference made me stare; my long brown hair was glossy and sleek; my skin as pale as a rainless cloud. But it was my eyes that shocked me. Dark rimless irises and bruising shadows told me what I had always read as hunger. It was then I could sense was the dull ache; not a burning sensation as the other's had described but a need; a sweeping ache that made my mouth feel a little dry. I tried not to focus too much on it. Instead I turned away from the mirror as if it had burned me. Maybe; in a way, it had.

First was the scrutinizing fascination about my ruined clothes; I assumed somebody had removed my prom dress and dressed me in a comfortable pair of sweat pants and a gray cotton t-shirt.

I was different; I could understand on some level that he wouldn't want me like this; a vampire. But I could only wonder if he didn't love me; I was sure he did, but maybe he didn't want to recognize it. Seeing myself as what he had seen me; a creature that he kissed, I too was set reeling.

"What if-" I started; a terrible opening that would only cause more grief that had been evoked. "What we have, what if it gets lost somewhere?" All the subdued emotions that I had tried to push away flooded out with my fears. "What then, Alice?! How can I live knowing I wanted this and what I wanted it for, isn't there anymore." My voice quieted as my latest muse broke though my rage; more like mourning words, "How will I live when his eyes only see me as dying?"

Knowing that I had broken through my own fears I continued to say the fear I believed was his. "How can he himself survive? He was once a man, who never would slay an innocent, yet my blood stains his hands, and he can't look at me without tasting it."

"That's not all I see," His velvet voice reached my ears; in my deep state; I hadn't even seen him join me and Alice in her room.

"Then what do you see?!" I demanded.

"That's what I see. But I see somebody who is selfless and brave and full of love." He whispered.

"But you still can taste my blood; see it even though it's not there." I asked forcefully. I was scared; but I really didn't want to show it.

"I can." He whispered.

That was all I had needed; wanted to know. I wondered how long it would take for us to both be on the same line. Right now; it seemed like eternity. The only hope I could draw from this was the small simple fact that I had that time; I just wished I didn't have to use any of it like this.

_Mwahahaha. I'm getting under your skin with these words; I annoy you because it's not going how you want it. But is your idea realistic? Think on it. _


	3. Explanations

**Masochism **

_By Aly _

_Disclaimer: Nope. If I did it might be a little different..._

_Note: What I hated about New Moon was the big misunderstanding at the end. Any leaving done on the part of either party will (likely) be temporary. Especially because I value my life. _

_Also this chapter is, I believe, my WORST almost EVER. Forgive me I can't find my inspiration._

_Warning –deer killing in this chapter._

**Chapter 3 –Explanations **

Alice and Edward sat directly across from me. Their faces both reflected the seriousness of the matter, a grave situation that was currently under discussion. Naturally; I couldn't go for an extended period of time without sustenance, which was the main topic under discussion. I wasn't really paying attention to their argument, let alone their physical disagreement. (Alice insisted on pinching Edward when he didn't concur with her, but there was resistance on both parties account.)

Finally I gave up and sought out Carlisle. I found him in his study, talking to Emmett about some sort of trip he wanted to take Rosalie on. Something along those lines. Again; I wasn't really that concerned right now. I was still in a haze over the rejection; and images of Edward covered and repulsed by my blood, my tainted angel, kept filling the blank spaces of my mind.

"Carlisle?" I asked my voice still unexpected in its elegance. Emmett decided to leave the room, tactfully closing the door behind him. Not that it made much of a difference in a house full of vampires with enhanced hearing.

He seemed to have anticipated this exchange. "Bella."

I shifted slightly. "I'm worried, well, about Edward—and my 'appetite.'"

"Okay." He nodded, motioning for me to sit in the chair across from him at his desk. "As for Edward; that is something you have to deal with yourself. But Bella, try to understand that he is just as uncertain about this as you."

I nodded, I had expected as much.

"About your 'appetite' as you put it, maybe it would be a good idea to take you hunting tonight, just in case you come in contact with humans, it would be a preventive act to any possibly dangerous situations."

Again, this information was not surprising coming from Carlisle, the rational one. Almost as an afterthought he added, "I think it were best Esme took you, if you're okay with that."

"Yes, I'm fine with that." Somewhere in my brain I calculated that this arrangement had probably already been made, Esme's consent and cooperation already granted.

"Is that all?" he asked, his eyes penetrating my soul as if to find any question that I wanted to ask him but couldn't. I made an incoherent noise as I stood and made for the door.

"Wait. There is—" I'm sure if I was fully human my face would have paled and my eyes would have begun to swim in unshed tears. "There's one more."

Eternal life must have granted Carlisle with an unspeakable patience. He hardly moved with the exception of looking up at me, encouraging me to go on.

I took a step back, turning with a rare display of grace. Facing him, I asked the hardest question yet. "What do Charlie and Renee think happened to us?"

His answer came slow for the standards I had adopted as a vampire. "You and Edward drove to the prom that night. Both of you arrived there and something was mentioned about the fact Edward was going to take you out for dinner." I believe that was the explanation for why we didn't stay there. "We said that on the way there it was evident you had been hit in a collision and the car exploded and we couldn't find your remains because the explosion was too great."

"Later we gave them evidence that you couldn't have survived." The evidence was me, sitting her, proof of that; I didn't, couldn't, survive in my old life. "Roasalie worked on the scene, made it believable. You have a new life to life, Bella. Don't live it regretting that you gave up your old one."

If I could cry then, how the tears would rush in, streaming down my flawed human face. But now my eyes shone in their hollowness, my pale granite face a little moved; still utterly perfect, completely unflawed. Yet I felt that my insides were breaking and morphing. Creating a void that couldn't be filled when Edward wouldn't touch me, wouldn't look me in the eye. And I had barely anybody left to run to. I was drowning in unsafe waters, while I suffered of dehydration, a contradiction worthy of a suffering patriot.

"Were they hurt?" I asked; scared and desperate to know this final answer.

"Yes. But time heals all wounds, they loved you Bella, they will always love you." He replied evenly. It tore the final heartstrings.

In madness I ran, unseeing of anything but the door, the trees. I ran until I could no longer take a breath without slowing down to allow the air to filter into my mouth and nostrils.

Finally I threw myself to the ground of the forest clearing. The place where it had all started, and then ended. As if I could bring the roots of my old life by my presence and will power. As if I could dig up the earth and the confines of my heart, all with a swipe at the ground. I wanted Edward to come and wrap his arms around me and shelter me from the nightmare and the dreams. He was the angel who could make hell heaven. Even in my knowing decline I had always believed he would be here. But he wasn't.

He was back at the house bickering with Alice like I never came along. Like I never affected him. Like he had given up heroin and decided to come clean. Wash his hands of my blood and put me behind him like the rebellious stage I once heard him mention. Just another stage in his eternity. As soon as these thoughts left my head, I resented them. Decided to let the anger and grief and misunderstanding go. Because sometimes a little faith was the thing that was known to guide people through. Maybe my faith was shaken, but Edward was still reachable.

A sweet smell lofted over the wind in my direction. Metallic and intoxicating, all my former thoughts were forgotten in perusal of this mystery. I ran with a ruthless chase; silently tracing what I wanted. Only to bring down an animal.

Later I would rationally describe it as a deer. But this being wore down my senses to the most primitive as my powerful hands bore down on the back, instinctively moving the grip to break the neck of the deer. A sickening snap was to be heard as the vertebrae twisted in an unnatural shape.

Heart still pumping blood within the split seconds that the brain had been disconnected, the tangy scent was intoxicating. I bent my head and let my teeth puncture the skin covering the neck of the deer. Still completely instinctive I let the liquid flow into my mouth, tasting sweet with glory if not entirely sweet in taste. The taste was like hot molten lava and spicy salty cinnamon. But there was no metallic scent or taste, so I wondered where that had come from. It was satisfying and such, but my curiosity for the second scent was stronger than my desire to drain the beast. Once I had drunk my fill; I dragged the carcass to the base of a tree for the crows and scavengers to eat.

It defiantly should have disturbed me with the consumption of the deer's fluids. But looking back I figured that somehow I would repay my dues. I was still very fascinated by the enticing metallic scent that lingered in the air, so I followed it.

Although the aroma coming from the subject was enticing and sweet and inviting, the very subject it self was repulsive to me. I shuddered and hit so it wouldn't see me. It was a hiker. As much as I wanted to know what the taste was, was it tangy and spicy, or sweet like chocolate? I couldn't eat a human. It wasn't right; I could never find a way to justify it.

I hated to admit it; but I was scared. Alone in the woods, outside a town where they believed me dead. Not to mention the werewolves that would positively shred me if they found me, then seek the rest of the Cullens' for breaking the already violated treaty.

I knew I needed to get back to the house; a place that I believed was a sanctuary in this unknown world. I needed to get back there, now!

From where I found the clearing I could make my way back to the house. Once I arrived at the house, I found myself a little miffed that nobody had come to find me.

With that attitude, I opened the door. Suddenly I was caught up in Edward's embrace. "Thank god you're alright. Did anything bad happen?" he questioned, rushed in his tones.

"I'm ok." I whispered. I was, or course, referring to the situation that caused me to leave in the first place. Edward was referring to me running away for an hour.

"You could have come to find me." I whispered in his ear. The rest of my family could hear of course, but that wasn't what was bothering me, encouraging me to whisper.

"I couldn't. Alice had a vision and it involved some really bad exchanges." He said, a little sad it seemed.

There was no way I was going to let him get away with such a vague answer. "Like?" I elaborated.

"The wolves are still looking for us and they know my scent. They would have killed us. And I just found you; I can't afford to lose you." He kissed my forehead. Intimately, we were still a little awkward, but I wasn't convinced that he didn't want me. Though I wasn't entirely certain that he did either, but it was just a small persistence banished to the back of my mind.

"Edward?" I asked, as he stiffened, afraid I'd done something to offend him.

"Now I understand when you said topaz was your favorite gem." He offered, I gave him a smile.

"Bella," He addressed me, seriousness talking over his former teasing tones. "We have to leave in four days."

And just as soon as things had started to go in the right direction; something changed and we would have to start all over again.

_As much as I dislike the vocab. the total OOC behavior of EVERYONE, (maybe with the exception of alike) and the general atmosphere of this chapter:_

_Guys, let me know if you want there to be more Jasper/Emmett/Rosalie/Esme in the story once and if Bella and Edward work out their issues. _

_Review if you want there to be more sooner. _


	4. Unspoken Words

**Masochism **

_By Aly _

_Disclaimer: I don't own the characters and such of twilight. _

_Note: …please…don't kill me for this. _

**Chapter 3 –Unspoken Words**

I was lying on my side with my knees pressed together. My face was resting on the soft leather of Rosalie's sofa. I'm not sure if she realized it but she and Edward were very similar. Both their rooms used to support their whims, functional. And both were sporting a very comfortable leather couch. The differences were still there, Rosalie had a great many mirrors and her couch was a rather mahogany stain. There were no real touches of personality here. Even though Emmett too occupied this space it looked so unused. The two of them preferring the garage and cars to the simple bedroom they shared.

Even after living here for a shot time I had noticed exactly how much Rosalie enjoyed working on her cars, and Emmett, he just loved to watch her work. When I asked he just said he liked to see her so passionate and happy; and it didn't hurt that when she was frustrated his presence calmed her down. She wasn't really as vain as she came across. She almost created her stereotype to protect her, self preservation of a sort. A shell to hide her soul, so nobody would steal it; she loved her family but she feared everyone but Emmett. I think she even feared herself.

"Bella?" I heard Alice ask. She wasn't going to ask why I was in Rosalie's room, hiding out. "You can't avoid him forever."

I nodded, tucking in my chin. I didn't want to be anywhere he might be at the moment. I didn't want to see the eyes I had scarred with visions that reeked of death and maybe even betrayal. Disloyalty to me or to himself; I wasn't brave enough to ask, he couldn't bring himself to tell me. So we were at crossroads, an impasse as he once deemed it. Our relationship seemed to be full of choices and we couldn't bear to make the wrong ones. So we stood in the crossroads, waiting till it was too late. Till the decision was inevitable; and then we changed.

"I know, Alice," I spoke, my voice heavy and weary. "But I'm not ready to make a decision yet."

"You already made one," she said. At first I though she was implying to my change but then I noticed that her eyes held a distant, almost unseeing look, the one she adopted when she had seen a vision she hadn't induced.

"Please don't tell me." I really didn't wish to know right now, maybe sometimes the stakes were too high to risk. If you knew what was coming you could change it. There were too many possibilities to mess up for me to take this chance, or rather; risk.

Her words made her sound like the subject was obvious. "It's not about you."

"Then what is it?" I asked, a little nervous.

Her next line was one I only expected to hear in the horror movie I had dragged Mike and Jacob to, a long while ago. Jacob… I hadn't really given him much of a thought. "There's someone at the door. Bella, go find Esme and stay with her."

I was so used to them treating me like I was human and I bypassed telling her that when I saw her expression. It boded ill for whatever was disturbing her. Then I realized. The smell that rang through the house was like dirt and charred earth, but there was a potent, sour stench in it that nearly made me want to vomit. "Alice, what is that?"

"Wolves." was her simple answer. A word that affected everything. I was leaving with Edward tomorrow, why did they have to come here and ruin what was already on the rocks; their presence, I knew would cause this to crash.

"The rules have been violated so many times." Esme spoke calmly. Coming down the stairs I saw who had come, Sam, as their leader. Jacob, as somebody I was best friends with once. But I didn't know where we fit now.

"Not like this." Sam's voiced boded an ill wish towards the vampires that were my family. I wanted to protect them.

I descended quickly to the ground level to face them.

"It wasn't their fault." I said forcefully. They turned to face me, a haunted look in their eyes. The last time they had seen me; I had looked and smelled very different.

"No. It was Edwards; but you all shall pay the price." Sam said, diplomatically.

I looked strait at him; imagining blood boiling beneath my skin. It felt hot under my skin; the toxins heated by my rage. It shocked me, this sudden

"I chose this. I begged and pleaded for this." My voice was hard; I turned my attention to Jacob. "And you knew. I wanted this. You knew; and now you choose to betray me." I wasn't making much sense, but I was angry.

He looked at me with no expression evident in his eyes, it hurt. No anger at my choice, no recognition of my old friendship. "I cannot betray you because I do not know you."

Not anymore. That hurt the most.

I felt a commanding presence behind me and I stepped back into Edwards's strong embrace. He stepped in front protecting me as he placed a quick and tender kiss on my temple. "Don't you dare hurt her! Words or otherwise." He defended me. His voice was cool, but I could feel his rage beneath the surface. His granite arm wrapped itself around my waist lightly. Sam blanched slightly I believe that he thought we were heartless monsters, and it was true some were, but not Edward, not me, not the Cullens.

"We're not here for her; we're here for you!" Jacob lunged at Edward, already half consumed by his rage. Sam held him back as I threw myself in front of Edward. "Bella no!" He tried not to let me. "I can't, I don't…"

I never heard the rest of that sentence as Sam also lost control. The treaty was already in disregard. Multiple violations scaring the original agreement beyond recognition. Jacob had told me the myths; there had been the trespassing, at least on the wolves' part. And finally there was me; a walking contradiction to life it self. As hell closed in around us and more wolves rushed it to exterminate this household Edwards words echoed in my brain. My attention torn between Emry who had come to face me and the echo spurring around in my head. Edward's ethereal voice as I committed it to memory. But my mind fought with to possible realities.

I don't…

I don't want you to get hurt.

Or the more haunting prospect that made the poison in my veins enflame as I swerved to avoid the looming werewolf. My hands landed on his shoulders and I shoved him away with only partial strength. I was distracted and now a little scared, I didn't want to believe it and I swore it wasn't true, it couldn't be. But it shattered me all the same.

I don't love you anymore.

_To be continued… _


	5. Paranoia

**Masochism**

_By Aly _

_Disclaimer: Not sure why I bother..._

_Note: So late. So sorry to leave you hanging. also, my "chapter labels" are so messed up. sorry. they do go in order._

**Chapter 5 – Paranoia **

**if you're looking for a savior why not save yourself somtime  
(the Dishonest Mailmen)  
**

My thoughts beseeched me and captivated me; demanding my attention. On one side I strongly objected that Edward could ever stop loving me, if he loved me as much as I loved him. But still, I had my doubts, and even if I was entitled to them, I didn't feel I had the right to take that liberty; of suspecting my angel. Of mistrust in my savoir.

My hands where disconnected to my brain as they shoved a werewolf away and my mouth yelled, piercing and painful. "Stop!" As it was, I was the victim and the target of this fight. It should never have worked, but the scuffle stopped. Sam stared at me, his face showed only malice, but perhaps a little surprise. Maybe even a little distrust was displayed. Jacob looked mutinous, as if I had betrayed him in every last way. In a way I had; there were so many ways I had betrayed and destroyed my friend, I began to understand that the wounds might never heal. In his eyes I could justifiably be considered promiscuous, torturously close, then flitting away to another boy.

I felt so small, the faces and expressions directed towards me, urging me to speak, or let this be settled by aggression and violence. I racked my brain for anything I could use. I looked to Edwards eyes. They were black as night and coal. But still they appeared apprehensive and sad, like a broken man praying to god, he looked at me with concern and fear at the same time. I realized his look; it was the one Sam gave Emily as he saw so openly her scars.

All in a look, he had diminished my paranoia and though my shyness was still there, everybody expectant, I was going to fix this. This controversy and conflict I had started.

"Sam," I addressed. "This was my choice."

He almost started to argue, but I knew I needed too get my point across. I wasn't going to treat it like hypocrisy, but rather enlightenment. "If you could go back, to when you had no guilt, and Emily had no scars."

He looked so distraught at my words, which I knew were constructed to hurt him, but I needed him to empathize, to see me, not as a monster, but as the product of salvage and saviors.

"If you could have made her a Werewolf too, so she'd never be hurt by you, so she felt what you did, so she could save you from the pain now." I spoke, my words clear and even. "Would you make her to be just like you?"

"He wouldn't! Humanity is precious." Jacob said; his words really directed at me. Sam silenced him with a look of power, but also of sadness and control.

"For Emily; I would; if I could." He looked strait at me and right through me. It was unnerving, but I didn't want to interrupt his reverie.

Edward came behind me and whispered in my ear the answers to my banished mistrust. "I don't want to loose you. I wouldn't survive that, my angel."

"It seems we need to form a new truce. Come Mr. Ulley, why don't we step into my office and discuss it." Carlisle spoke, diplomatically handing every situation.

As he left, the other werewolves swiftly disbanded, returning, likely to camp; all but one.

"Jacob," I said, pain making my voice sound anxious, but he cut me off with resentful tones.

"I thought we had this under control; that you'd grow out of it. I knew we didn't have much of a choice—look at Emily! But now you have no choice! You dug your grave, now you lay in it!"

All his great words were only mirrors and illusions over the real point. 'How could you!?' that's what he was really asking.

"—Because I can feel just as well as I used to, my love for Edward is strong, as strong as it was and even stronger! I have died several times, just to keep myself alive." I whispered furiously.

"You never died Bella. Not till..." he trailed off, but the unspoken words were heavy in the air. 'Not till he changed you.'

I knew this wasn't true, but I knew he couldn't understand that unless I told him. "I died when I sent myself to James to trade my insignificant human existence for my mother and this whole family. Edward saved me. I died when he left; I would never have been the same—"

Jacob cut me off, "He left you! That's his fault, you were healing!"

The object that lingered in our conversation, unsaid, wrapped his arms protectively around my waist, in support. "No I wasn't. I was finding things to get addicted to; I found ways to reincarnate him in my memory. Why do you think I went cliff diving, motorcycling?! I found that masochism recreated him."

Now my theory was because of how torturously Edward treated himself, it triggered unconsciously in my brain as I did the same. He had said I was so much purer and better than him, but I was worse. I did what he did, recreated his bad habits and reminded myself of Edward.

"What do you bet I would have killed myself eventually? I _should _be dead, but you brought me out of the water." Sure he had saved me, but only from the current, nobody but Edward could have replaced my whole sense of mind and heart. Replace my rationality and my sensibility, both reincarnated in regards to his presence in my life.

Jacob looked rebellious; so I decided on my third argument. "And once more in Italy; we saved each other there. I saved him from committing suicide; he saved me from being killed on the spot for my humanity. Humanity I possessed but didn't want!" I said; my voice was calm and serene, brimming with resolution and peace.

He nodded firmly, accepting this truth but not persuaded. I felt hurt that he believed I should rather be dead than exist as I was. I turned to Edward.

"Come," He said simply. I placed my hand on his shoulder as he led me by the waist, up the stairs.

One last look at Jacob told me that he was gone. I knew that a confrontation would come at one point. By the look of his face, I wasn't sure if it would be hostile or violent. I decided not to worry about it for the time being. I had Edward and everybody was safe, and Edward still loved me.

He still cared, he still wanted me. And after all of this; he was still my savior.

_() If you want to read about my take on Rosalie's perspective, I set up a one-shot called Forbidden Fruit ()_

_() Finally, I would like to be able to have a few reviews, and if you do I'll reward you with FLUFF in the next chapter. ()_


	6. Redemption

**Masochism**

_by Aly_

_Disclaimer: no. no. defiantly not._

_Note: I really hated the original it went right off plot. Sorry._

**Chapter 6 - Redemption**

I had proof that he was not going to leave her. His words and his touch were all I needed to be fully convinced that Edward was completely devoted to me. That Edward was, in fact, in love with me. Some acts were not so convincing; and I found myself wondering about Jacob.

Maybe Sam had been assured that I was not a cruel monster, maybe he finally figured out what 'my vampires' meant to me. It was possible he had come to view us all as people, even though we are not human. The same way none of the werewolves were either. They thought they were closer. Thought that they were protectors of the humans; it was ironic, I suppose, that what had saved my 'humanity' was not them; but what they sought once to keep me from.

My definition of 'humanity' was to want to survive and protect others. Wanting to live and succeed but still recognizing your mistakes. Me; becoming a vampire was not one in my eyes. But I couldn't speak for Jacob, and I had a feeling that he would confront me later about it.

"Bella?" Edward called, his soft melodic voice sounded stressed to my hypersensitive ears. He already knew where I was; his room. But maybe he was really bothered by something.

Naturally; I was wondering what was bothering him, but I think he knew that too. "I'm here. Is something wrong?"

He shook his head, his bronze hair shadowing over his face. Coupled with the downward gaze and the bruise colored smudges; he gave an almost jaded appearance. I felt sympathy rising up within me as I viewed this aspect of him.

"What is it then?" I sighed. Edward walked over to the leather couch and sat down beside me.

His golden eyes drifted up to meet my own. "I'm worried that the young wolf will be back. He has a temper."

What he said was exactly what I had felt from knowing Jake. I really hated that he had to be right, but it was true. I settled for something not-him and our friendship was torn apart by bitterness and rivalry. And I had betrayed him.

I stared pointedly at the floor. "He still likes you, you know. He's just afraid of you."

My eyelids fluttered as I fought to absorb information. Even though I didn't have a mind that could be read like a book by Edward, I knew that almost everybody else did. His judgment combined with Jasper's talents, and Alice's forsight made a very strong defense. Though, with me already a vampire, I didn't need to worry as much about the Voultri. Actually, they probably had a vampire within the compound that could see the current state of the present.

"Afraid of what?" I asked innocently. Edward couldn't read my mind; according to Emmett it was because I was abducted by aliens when I was little. Therefore I was clumsy but immune to mind-vampire attacks. I believed it was because of my strong belief in privacy. I had turned my mind away prom the mainstream to protect it.

My face upturned to my intruder, I shuttered as he ran a marble hand over my thin neck. His eyes darkened momentarily. "Afraid you aren't you anymore."

I laughed blatantly. "And who else would I be?" I asked, half in shock from Edwards words.

He chuckled. "Who else could you be?" He asked rhetorically.

Edward leaned over and gave me a chaste kiss. As always, I was the one to add the force behind the intentions, so when he started to pull away I pulled him back. His breath mingled lightly with my own. My angel tilted his head to deepen the kiss; running his tongue along my lip. My fangs couldn't scare him anymore and he smirked slightly when he pulled away.

"What?" I asked, wrinkling my nose playfully at his obvious amusement.

"There was only one other time when I was so thankful I don't need to breath?" Okay; so that got my attention. And I was curious.

"Oh, when was that?" I asked his looked turned from innocent to dark; brooding. His eyes evidently darker; remembering. Edward was so alluring even when he wasn't trying.

"When I first realized how much of a danger your scent was to my sanity." Even though his words sounded sweet, they were bittersweet. His sense here was completely literal in context. Edward had been thankful he didn't need to breathe so he didn't end up killing me before we even knew each other. My own breath caught a little as I fully came to terms with this.

It wasn't as if there were things in the past that I wouldn't change if I could. But; as sadistic as it sounds… …that incident was is not one of them. Never will be.

I chose this, as hard as it was. I chose to begin the decline into a world were I was feared by children and believed a myth by adults. A world where I could create a massacre in thirty seconds or less, a hell of power and a heaven of fear.

A life where nobody wants to live forever; but it gets harder and harder to die.


	7. Thank You

It feels strange to say this; but I think I have finished this story. I liked how it ended up once I rewrote the last chapter:

**If you haven't read the entirely new version of chapter 6; please do so. **

If you're completely mad that I've ended it here; try and inspire me to write a bit more.

For me; I feel I reached what I wanted in this story. I wanted to show the dark internalizing side of the vampires in 'Twilight' and 'New Moon.'

So thanks for all your amazing reviews; and even if this wasn't the ending you were excepting. I think it's the one that fits. For instance; Bella now knows where she lies between Edward and Jacob. She knows what she'd do for each one of them, and she has the will to do it if necessary. At the same time; she's learned the hard way the depression that accompanies the bloodlust and the emotional range of the vampires. She finally understands and that's all I need to say.

**Thanks to all my readers and esp. my reviewers; I love you guys.**

xoxo

Aly


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